Scary

The last few weeks we've been dealing with the possibility of something scary. I wasn't inclined to share, because I wanted to wait it out and find out for sure. 

Since Nolan was premature and had some weight issues, the Pediatrician has been seeing him every week. 

For the most part he'd been doing fantastic. Then, on his two-week birthday - March 5th - the doctor was listening intently to his chest. More than usual. I'm paranoid about everything - this pregnancy and baby are turning me into a hypochondriac - so I was immediately worried. 

Without making eye-contact the doctor says, "I think I'm hearing a murmur. Did they say anything to you about that in the hospital?" 

Of course it hadn't been mentioned to us and she says, "I wasn't hearing it last week either. I think we should setup a 2D Echo Ultrasound, just to get a better look."

I started crying, because it's just what I do now. I like our doctor a lot. She's very personable with excellent bedside manner. 

She told me, "I know it's hard, being a new mom you worry about everything. I'll be perfectly honest with you though. I'll let you know if and when the time comes to worry. But it isn't right now. We just need to get a better look at his heart right now."

They had that setup for the following Thursday - March 7th. The tech wouldn't tell us anything, no surprise. We had to wait for the images to be sent to St. Louis and be read by a Pediatric Cardiologist. We were going to have to wait for that report until Monday - March 11th. 

All the waiting is really the worse part. 

In the meantime, Thursday evening we noticed Nolan was having some very labored breathing, with indents around his ribs, a slight wheeze, and a lot of abdominal breathing.

We called our doctor's office early Friday morning and the nurse we spoke with told us to take him to the ER. I was not thrilled about that. In fact, I was angry about it. My thought was, "What's the sense in having a family doctor if they're going to send you to the ER when you're sick?" 

They explained that infants can often stay at one level of respiratory distress and then suddenly crash. She said that if he crashed in their office, it'd just be a race to get him to the ER.

So... to the ER we went. He was a premature, 17-day-old baby, so they got us back right away at least. 

They did everything under the sun to my poor little man. Nose swabs, blood draws, sticky monitoring hook-ups, an x-ray. Everything was checking out just fine. Praise the Lord. The hospital Pediatrician did agree his breathing was labored and that he had a significant amount of abdominal breathing, but with everything else checking out, he went with the diagnosis of it being normal based on his size and age. 

I later found out that heart problems can cause the weird breathing things. 

On Monday when we arrived at the Pediatrician's office, she seemed to be dodging the one thing I wanted to hear about. She first asked about all the ER stuff inquiring a lot of details. She then assessed him for acid reflux and prescribed some medicine. 

Then, finally, she said, "Okay. Well, let me talk to you about his ultrasound." 

I could feel the tears building, just because of her manner.

She drew a diagram of a heart, representing the four chambers. She drew a circle in between the top two chambers and said, "First, the ultrasound revealed an opening here. This one could be innocent and heal up on its own."

Then she slowly drew a circle in between the bottom two chambers and said, "But, it also shows an opening here in these lower chambers. With these findings, and since this is out of my area of specialty, I want to get you in to see a Pediatric Cardiologist in St. Louis." 

I started crying... and then the doctor started crying. Seriously. 

She said, "I know. I have a small baby at home too and just went through something very scary with her. I know it's scary." 

When your doctor starts crying with you, it's never comforting.

They tried to get us in to Cardinal Glennon first, but the closest appointment was like a month out and that wasn't good enough, so she got us into the Children's on Wednesday at 1:40.

The two day wait was torture. Having a mother that works with two Pediatricians and a wealth of information on the internet was not helping. I'm not sure why it always seems easier to just jump to the worst possible circumstance, but I feel like I always do. I knew that depending on the size and location of these holes/openings we could be looking at surgery (ranging from open-heart surgery to the kind where they go in through the leg), it could just take some oral medication, he could just have to have some restrictions, or they could be innocent and absolutely nothing be required of their healing.

The possibility of something being wrong, really wrong, with his heart - of all things - had me scared to death. Even though everything was just speculative, and the odds seemed to fall closer to the side of innocent... it was all still terrifying for me. 

Nolan did excellent on the car ride to St. Louis. I know most babies do well in carseats, so I was happy mine fell in that category.

I was a mess. When we'd found where we were suppose to be and was walking down the hallway approaching the desk. I came to an abrupt stop, with tears in my eyes, and told Cory that we needed to say another prayer. So I kneeled down over Nolan and Cory bent over us and we asked the Lord to breathe comfort and peace over us, while restoring perfect health and function to Nolan's heart. I knew that even if there had been concerns with these findings, that the Lord had already started to heal them. I had a wave of peace come over me and I welcomed it. I had a moment of frustration with myself at the mass of concern and fear I'd had over this situation. I feel like I let my fear overpower my faith, but there in that little hallway I feel like it got restored. Even though I was still anxious to hear what the doctor's would say, I didn't feel the same amount of terror as before. 

When we arrived to the appointment several people examined him. There was a lot of listening to his heart going on. I'm glad he was being so good, because three different doctors spent 5 minutes - or longer - sticking their cold stethoscope ends to him repeatedly to listen. 

I was amazed by these doctors. I had no idea how well they could determine things just based on the rhythms of the human heart. Insane. The main Cardiologist treating us could even hear the difference in the top and lower murmur. 

After he'd listened for a long time he said, "Based on what I'm hearing here, these openings are probably very small. But, let me go take a look at this report." 

He left for a bit to read the report from the ultrasound Nolan had done the previous week. 

When he came back in he seemed to have a puzzled look on his face and said, "Let me take another listen." 

He listened for another good while and then went over the report with us, "The report says there were findings in the upper and lower chambers [he had a diagram for us to, pointing things out]. Now for this upper one, I'm hearing it and it is small. This one is very common. I'd say 98% of babies have these. This lower one that they've basically said just can't be ruled out... well, if it's even still there I'm not hearing it. It would be very small. If it is there, it'd be located here near this flap [diagram] that usually closes up in the last weeks of gestation. It just might not be closed yet and it could be letting some blood in through here. 

Based on the information I have and what I'm hearing, I'm not really concerned. I'd really only be concerned about these if they haven't closed up in 6 months. I don't even feel that a follow-up with us is necessary unless they haven't closed in 6 months. I don't think these are heart defects, there's no heart disease. I expect these will close up on their own just fine."

What a flood of relief I had at his words. He stressed it would all be dependent on him viewing the images from the ultrasound himself. 

He did call me the very next morning to say he'd viewed the images and stood by his previous prognosis.

He said he was sending some information to our Pediatrician and that we'd keep following up on these things with her. 

Jesus is totally closing these up!

I have a whole new mindset on things since having Nolan. I have a heavy heart that goes out to parents with children who require special medical attention of any kind. God has blessed them with special hearts and gifts, even if they don't know it. I hope I hold them in my thoughts and prayers for forever. And I selfishly pray that's a road I never have to be on.

I love my baby so much, it's impossible to express it with words. I feel like, for the first time, I have a glimpse at the love of God. I'm blessed more than I could ever deserve.

For now, I'm extremely relieved that this has turned out to not be a major concern. I hope the Lord will bless Nolan with good health throughout his life.